The Random Ramblings of Lauren

Hi folks! So I wanted to reach out today, mostly just to apologise for my hiatus... You see, I set myself a mission of writing and publishing something every day. And for a while that was going so well. I felt inspired, and motivated, and excited about each new post. I was writing about parts of me I hadn't shared before, trying new writing styles, talking about some pretty emotional subjects, an feeling empowered by my own voice. I watched the page views grow, and I was so excited that you all were reading my work! Then, somewhat unexpectedly, life got a little busy, and my physical and mental health suffered with trying to keep up with everything, and writing quickly fell to the wayside. And, just like everything, once you get out of the habit of something, it's an uphill battle to get back to where you were before. After that, each time I sat down to write, the words just didn't seem to flow. I was frustratingly writing, editing, deleting, rewriting, rearranging, restart...

I'm flighty. Sometimes I want nothing more than to run far from this place and seek another. Leave everything and everyone behind, to lose myself in places not yet tainted by this harsh, unforgiving, unrelenting reality. Give me wings, let me soar to pursue the temptress of something more. Because I'm flighty.

There exists an unspoken language between you and I. It is silent, yet deafening. A communication exchanged with the simplest gesture of a shared gaze. A single stare so expressive the whole world fades away, until your eyes are all I see. It speaks of so many things we cannot find words to say, or do justice. But we know, without ever having to speak, precisely what it means. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I'm yours. I understand. I feel the same. I've got you. I'm here. It says everything at once, and at the same time, nothing at all. A secret language, unbeknownst to the world, that gives voice to the depths of our shared love... Through unspoken words. Thanks for reading, over and out.

I may  view the world though rose-tinted lenses. I may find the good in every one I meet. I may give too many chances, and stay when others would leave. But please... Don't exploit my kindness as weakness, nor my trustworthiness as foolishness. Don't make me a pawn in your lies and deception. Don't follow in the footsteps of every man I've known before. Be better. Show me it's okay to believe there is good in everyone. Because I'm starting to doubt myself. Thanks for reading, over and out.

I'm the type of person who enjoys asking deep and insightful questions. I like to understand how people think, how their brains work, what their priorities are and why. I use hypothetical scenarios to get to know people and find out what sort of person they are, and, in part, this helps me to identify whether or not we are likely to be compatible - in any sense of the word. However, recently I've been pondering a challenging question. It's one that intrudes my thoughts and monopolizes my brain, whether I'm awake or asleep, working or relaxing. I can't escape it, as much as I try. But this question fills me with dread. Each time it invades my brain, a freezing tidal wave crashes over my body, and I'm cold and numb and battered once more. I lose grip of reality, like shifting sand under my feet, and sink into the murky depths of my mind. And this is happening far too often, to the extent that it's taking over. So, instead of trying to dismiss it or avoid it, I...

I know this road. I have cut my feet, blistered and bled, on this dangerous terrain too many times before. I know the games you play, the lies you tell, the secrets you hide, I know them all too well. I do not blame you. I never have. But I fear you. I fear the absence of the person I love, and the return of the monster you become. I have spent far too long silent, hiding, cowering from this you. I have picked you up and put you back together, kept your secrets and concealed your sins, calmed your anger and accepted your blame, more times than you even know. I know this road, I know its pain, and I will not follow this path again. So if you choose to pursue this journey, you do so alone. Because I cannot carry us both.

Tonight, for whatever reason, I found myself pondering what the hell I was doing... In life, in love, in my job, my personal aspirations, my family and my friends. I wasn't necessarily worrying, or spiralling, or caught up in a depressive mentality. Alas, I was simply contemplating where I was right now, and what was next for me. Whether I was on the right path, where it would lead, and when I would get there. I was too focused on my feet, on where my journey was taking me, that I temporarily forgot. I forgot to enjoy exactly where I was right now, no matter where I was going or where I had been. But thankfully, life sent me a little reminder. As I passed the upstairs window, consumed by my own thoughts, I was met by the most beautiful sunset I had seen in a long time. The sky was on fire, and it sparked a fire in me. Instantly, I knew that I wanted to seize this moment. Without a second thought, I grabbed my keys and jumped into the car. And so began my journey to chase the sunset...