The Random Ramblings of Lauren

I have never been the type for jealousy. The green eyed monster is not a foe I have battled before. Maybe because I'm too self-assured, unthreatened, maybe I'm too distracted or I just don't care enough. But for you,  I am jealous. I'm jealous of the sun that lights up your face, of the bedsheets that caress your skin, of the morning coffee that dances on your tongue, and of the friends your heart welcomed in. I'm jealous of the clothes that cling to your body, of the steering wheel in your tightened grip, of the cigarette between your teeth, and of the strangers that bring a smile to your lips. I am not a jealous person. Yet, you awaken an emerald inferno in me, that I never knew existed, and I will never extinguish.

Forrest Gump once said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  He meant that life is unpredictable and filled with surprises. And he might have been right. But for me, life is like pizza. In so many different ways. Firstly, no matter what, all pizza is amazing. Even bad pizza is still going to be good. And no two pizzas are ever the same. They’re completely unique, in every way. But just how good that pizza is, depends on lots of different things… The quality of the ingredients you begin with. The care and attention in which it is made. And the toppings you decide to add along the way. How long you place it in the heat. Personal preferences and individuality. Your hunger and mindset when you’re tasting it. And, arguably most important of all: The people you choose to share it with. Because pizza is made to be shared. But even after all that… Truly great pizza comes down to more than just how it is made, or enjoyed. It's about luck, and opportunit...

I feel seasick. The endless to-ing and fro-ing  of this fragile vessel in the tumultuous waves of you is turning my stomach in knots. I am a derelict dinghy powerless in an unpredictable ocean. I do not know how to navigate these waters. Lost in stormy seas I cannot sail, searching for hope on the horizon. Who knows when calm waters will come, or how long they will last. But before long, once again, I'll be floored by the force of your love. Then all too soon it'll be torn away. Nobody taught me the rip hurts just as much as the crash. If this is our fate, let me drown. Spare me the suffering of fighting to sail when I was always destined to sink. Because I feel seasick.

Every once in a while, we are faced with moments that flip our entire world on its axis. Tiny, unforgettable fragments on the timeline of our existence, that promise to alter our very existence at its core. And all at once, everything you thought you knew, every scrap of stability and direction and ideology you possessed, is cast into darkness and doubt. For you see, you are no longer the version of you that you once were. In that moment you are thrown into a whole different environment, where everything you once knew crumbles into disregard. Like a child, you find yourself lost in a cornucopia of confusion, forced to learn all you once knew from scratch, in a world that feels entirely alien. Colours, sights, sounds, tastes and smells - they all feel brand new again as they adapt and adjust to this evolved version of you. All the things you used to believe, the ideas and opinions you used to know, and even the values you held dear, they're shaken to disreput...

Wake me in the morning with the scent of fresh coffee, and the taste of your lips against mine. Pull me in, hold me close, until your body feels like home. Let your face, framed with a smile, be the first thing my blurry eyes find as they open to the new day. Start my morning with whispered ' I love you's and I will promise that today will be my new favourite day.

I kiss you and taste the ocean on your lips, the sun on your cheeks, the wind in your hair, the fire in your soul. I taste the passion of every "I love you" and the desire of your fingers against my skin. I taste the places we have been, and the places we have yet to go. I taste the world in a single kiss and know, with perfect clarity, that within you lies every adventure I could ever dream of, and every place I will ever call home.

I've never been good at staying still. My mind fidgets and flutters from thought to thought with fleeting fancy. A momentary fix of attention and dopamine, before I'm searching for something more elsewhere. I wander and roam, bumping against temporary people or places to feel at home, before that sensation fades and I'm off again. I find something I like; and suddenly I don't like it. I fixate on finding something bigger, or better. I make myself something to eat; I'm not hungry. My need for food has been replaced by another whim. I find a new style or look that feels like me; and all of a sudden I don't recognise the stranger in front of me. I'm exhausted beyond the realms of comprehension; so much so that my body refuses to go on, and yet my mind surges on with steadfast determination in search of a new spark.  But all too soon, that spark has flickered and died, and I'm back to being lost, a speck of dust in the centre of a tornado of possibility and ...