The Random Ramblings of Lauren

I've never been good at staying still. My mind fidgets and flutters from thought to thought with fleeting fancy. A momentary fix of attention and dopamine, before I'm searching for something more elsewhere. I wander and roam, bumping against temporary people or places to feel at home, before that sensation fades and I'm off again. I find something I like; and suddenly I don't like it. I fixate on finding something bigger, or better. I make myself something to eat; I'm not hungry. My need for food has been replaced by another whim. I find a new style or look that feels like me; and all of a sudden I don't recognise the stranger in front of me. I'm exhausted beyond the realms of comprehension; so much so that my body refuses to go on, and yet my mind surges on with steadfast determination in search of a new spark.  But all too soon, that spark has flickered and died, and I'm back to being lost, a speck of dust in the centre of a tornado of possibility and ...

When and how can I find the strength, the independence, the courage to love myself? To truly love me, with unyielding ferocity and wilful ignorance, the way  I hopelessly fall in love with others. I want the greatest love in my life to be myself. I want to be the heroine of my own epic love story. I want my own heart to be the treasure I so often seek from someone else. I want to be my Valentine. Happy Valentines Day. Thanks for reading, over and out...

Do not be fooled by the sweet façade. I may appear to be the girl next door but there lies a wildness within me that you will never comprehend nor tame. I am not innocent or modest or charming. I am feisty and battle-worn and wicked. I may look pretty but I am poison. Do not be fooled.

All things in life, all places, all times, all versions of me, are made better with coffee. Coffee is the clock in which I measure my days. The time that passes, and the value added. From the first sip, to the last glug, it is my steadfast companion in all things. And if you seek to unlock the treasures of my heart, you will find the key in coffee.

I'll keep this one short and sweet, because the sentiment of today's post is all about enjoying time with those you love, and that's exactly what I intend to do, very soon... Because I'm one of those fortunate few, who come alive around family. They truly are the very best of me. My family are a unique source of unwavering happiness, comfort, laughter and support, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. They're always there for me, they ask no questions and they need no explanation. I come from a big family. I'm one of six siblings, and we're all close. I'm fortunate that I share lots of different things in common with each of my siblings, but there's many things we all enjoy together. Specifically... Being outdoors, travelling, good food, a drink or two, and of course, playing games. I've recently realised that there are so many things I could happily live without. But my family? They're my most treasured thing, and I'm so endlessly ...

I think I've fallen down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure how long I've been in this dark and unknown place, but I know it's not where I belong. Like slowly, sluggishly waking up for a dream, I'm starting to notice that this isn't right. It isn't real. I've been living in a fantasy, trying to convince myself that up is down and wrong is right. I've been clinging to the slightest shred of happiness or normality, convincing myself that it's enough. I've been wasting my every breath to chase foolish fantasies, giving my all to maintain a fallacy. And I've done it for so long, that I've forgotten that any other reality exists. When did I last feel "normal"? Is my entire self-worth so pointlessly ruled by the fleeting moments of hope, in a cruel and ruthless ocean of despair? Hopelessly, desperately scrambling to be the person I paint myself to be every day. To maintain the story that everyone around me is so desperate to read. Hidi...

Promise me not to waste your time, or mine, with pointless pleasantries or foolish niceties. Give me the harsh, brutal, truth. Let me find comfort in the reality of your honesty, instead of numbness  in the fairy tale of your lies. I would much rather the bitter sting swallowing a harsh pill, than to choke on the sickly syrup of honeyed words.  Speak your truth.