The Random Ramblings of Lauren

I'll keep this one short and sweet, because the sentiment of today's post is all about enjoying time with those you love, and that's exactly what I intend to do, very soon... Because I'm one of those fortunate few, who come alive around family. They truly are the very best of me. My family are a unique source of unwavering happiness, comfort, laughter and support, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. They're always there for me, they ask no questions and they need no explanation. I come from a big family. I'm one of six siblings, and we're all close. I'm fortunate that I share lots of different things in common with each of my siblings, but there's many things we all enjoy together. Specifically... Being outdoors, travelling, good food, a drink or two, and of course, playing games. I've recently realised that there are so many things I could happily live without. But my family? They're my most treasured thing, and I'm so endlessly ...

I think I've fallen down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure how long I've been in this dark and unknown place, but I know it's not where I belong. Like slowly, sluggishly waking up for a dream, I'm starting to notice that this isn't right. It isn't real. I've been living in a fantasy, trying to convince myself that up is down and wrong is right. I've been clinging to the slightest shred of happiness or normality, convincing myself that it's enough. I've been wasting my every breath to chase foolish fantasies, giving my all to maintain a fallacy. And I've done it for so long, that I've forgotten that any other reality exists. When did I last feel "normal"? Is my entire self-worth so pointlessly ruled by the fleeting moments of hope, in a cruel and ruthless ocean of despair? Hopelessly, desperately scrambling to be the person I paint myself to be every day. To maintain the story that everyone around me is so desperate to read. Hidi...

Promise me not to waste your time, or mine, with pointless pleasantries or foolish niceties. Give me the harsh, brutal, truth. Let me find comfort in the reality of your honesty, instead of numbness  in the fairy tale of your lies. I would much rather the bitter sting swallowing a harsh pill, than to choke on the sickly syrup of honeyed words.  Speak your truth.

I am a fraud. A fake. A great pretender. I fill my days with the never-ending battle of maintaining the foolish façade of my existence. I feed on confidence and admiration from the perception of others. But they do not know me. They do not meet the monster within. She is a torture which only I must endure. I hide her away, ashamed of the darkness and the decay. I have become accustomed to her sneering voice of doubt and malice, gnawing away at the back of my mind. I'm an expert at pretending to be a person that I wish I was. I'm not sure when it began, but I know exactly how it will end. And only once it does, will everyone see the fraud that lies within me.

Sometimes it's good to be underestimated. Sometimes it's good to let people believe you are blind to their misconceptions or ill intentions.  After all, the only thing you can do is exceed expectations and show people how wrong they were. The good thing about holding your tongue when someone messes you about or assumes less of you, is that they presume that you are either unaware of their transgression, or lacking the assertion to deal with it accordingly. They fall into a false security of confidence and untruths, comforted by their own arrogance. But you're not as small, or as weak, or as stupid, or as easy as they think you are. And biding your time does not make you stupid or scared. It makes you strong, and patient, and wise, and courageous. You're not ignoring the problem, you're waiting for the right moment to shine. Because one day, the time will come to prove your worth. To show the world exactly who you are and what you can do. When that day comes, boy are...

 My life is an oxymoron. Fragments of me held together only by the fragile balance of its counterparts. I am all too many things at once. A wise brain and a foolish heart. An insatiable wanderlust and a dedication to home. A restless personality and a lazy body. An independent mind, and a hopeless romantic. A sense of adventure, and a fear of the unknown. A care free spontaneity, and a meticulous overthinker. A natural charisma, and a social awkwardness. A young at heart and an old soul. I am too many things all at once. Yet, like a perfect storm I maintain a balance that would shatter  with the slightest shift. I am an oxymoron. Thanks for reading, over and out...

The thing is about life, is that eventually everything returns to the ground. Life is temporary. It's fragile. It's fleeting. The living do not get the privilege of staying on this Earth. Like shooting stars, we enjoy a brief window of opportunity to burn brightly, but all too soon we are gone. A unique and dazzling burst of raw energy, a chance to show the world what we can truly do, before we fade into darkness. But here are some things we can leave behind that will never be lost or forgotten. Some things in life are granted the timeless beauty and grace of immortality. They linger like last breaths, faint whispers of everlasting conviction, long after we have departed this world. It is our choices, our actions - and above all, our words - that distinguish us, that build memories and create legacies in our brief moments of existence. Whilst our looks fade, our bodies age, our senses fail and our surroundings evolve into a dull blur - it is our words that live on to inspire h...