The Random Ramblings of Lauren

All things in life, all places, all times, all versions of me, are made better with coffee. Coffee is the clock in which I measure my days. The time that passes, and the value added. From the first sip, to the last glug, it is my steadfast companion in all things. And if you seek to unlock the treasures of my heart, you will find the key in coffee.

I'll keep this one short and sweet, because the sentiment of today's post is all about enjoying time with those you love, and that's exactly what I intend to do, very soon... Because I'm one of those fortunate few, who come alive around family. They truly are the very best of me. My family are a unique source of unwavering happiness, comfort, laughter and support, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. They're always there for me, they ask no questions and they need no explanation. I come from a big family. I'm one of six siblings, and we're all close. I'm fortunate that I share lots of different things in common with each of my siblings, but there's many things we all enjoy together. Specifically... Being outdoors, travelling, good food, a drink or two, and of course, playing games. I've recently realised that there are so many things I could happily live without. But my family? They're my most treasured thing, and I'm so endlessly ...

I think I've fallen down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure how long I've been in this dark and unknown place, but I know it's not where I belong. Like slowly, sluggishly waking up for a dream, I'm starting to notice that this isn't right. It isn't real. I've been living in a fantasy, trying to convince myself that up is down and wrong is right. I've been clinging to the slightest shred of happiness or normality, convincing myself that it's enough. I've been wasting my every breath to chase foolish fantasies, giving my all to maintain a fallacy. And I've done it for so long, that I've forgotten that any other reality exists. When did I last feel "normal"? Is my entire self-worth so pointlessly ruled by the fleeting moments of hope, in a cruel and ruthless ocean of despair? Hopelessly, desperately scrambling to be the person I paint myself to be every day. To maintain the story that everyone around me is so desperate to read. Hidi...

Promise me not to waste your time, or mine, with pointless pleasantries or foolish niceties. Give me the harsh, brutal, truth. Let me find comfort in the reality of your honesty, instead of numbness  in the fairy tale of your lies. I would much rather the bitter sting swallowing a harsh pill, than to choke on the sickly syrup of honeyed words.  Speak your truth.

I am a fraud. A fake. A great pretender. I fill my days with the never-ending battle of maintaining the foolish façade of my existence. I feed on confidence and admiration from the perception of others. But they do not know me. They do not meet the monster within. She is a torture which only I must endure. I hide her away, ashamed of the darkness and the decay. I have become accustomed to her sneering voice of doubt and malice, gnawing away at the back of my mind. I'm an expert at pretending to be a person that I wish I was. I'm not sure when it began, but I know exactly how it will end. And only once it does, will everyone see the fraud that lies within me.