I'm sorry...

So, over the past few months or so I've been trying to figure out how to write this post, to talk about the end of my five-year relationship.

The intention was to clear my head of this swirling mass of thoughts, and attempt to find some clarity. But, every time I ended up writing, this post got longer and more difficult. So I put it off, I avoided it, and I stressed about how on earth I would ever manage to translate my thoughts into words. 

However, I refused to give in, because part of me believed that once I could get this confusing tangle of emotion out of my head and into words, I would finally be at peace. So, one sentence at a time, as the days and weeks and months stretched on, I managed to string together this rambling mess of thoughts.

And in the end, it just turned into an apology. To myself, to those around me, and more than anything, to the girl who all of this began with.

So, here goes...

Do you ever feel like the longer time passes, the further from yourself you are becoming?
Drifting away like a lost balloon, and you don't have the strength, or the willpower, to stop it?

I don't know when it started, but I know it was a long time ago. Every day that went by since then, I became more detached from reality. I felt like glass, shattering in slow motion, all my pieces are just drifting apart. You can try and brush together the fragments, but when glass breaks, you can't mend it to its old shape. I knew you couldn't fix me, but I also knew you would cut your hands to ribbons, work until your fingers bled, and never stop trying to put me back together.

And I couldn't let you do that.

So I couldn't let you know I was shattering. I hid my pain. But honestly, it hurt on levels I didn't know I could experience. A slow, enduring pain beyond your body, or your mind, like being ripped apart at the seams and torn away from your very soul. I fell in love with you, and it broke me. But not because you broke me. No, it was because I did.

I'm sorry I broke myself.

I gave you my heart, which I never thought I would do, and in doing so I destroyed the person I once was. I lost that confident, care-free, independent go-getter I was, who kept their mind open and their heart full of adventure and opportunity.

Something happened, you happened, and I fell in love. Fighting at first, resistant and unsure, but all too soon I was jumping, falling, flailing, for you. Until one day I needed that love, like I needed air to breathe and gravity to stay grounded.

I'm sorry that I grew so reliant on your love.

You were so desperate to break down all my walls and to breach my barriers and get into my heart. And I knew I could trust you. It was myself that was the problem. I hated the fact it upset you that I was reserved at times, or that I felt the need to pull away when things felt too much. I know it hurt you that my instinct was to run, but you see, I was trying to protect us both.

The problem was, each time I pulled away, you pushed harder. When you felt me distancing myself, you closed the gap. You didn't want to take the risk that I might not come back to you, so you never let me go. You clung harder the more I wrestled for space, until eventually I was suffocating in your grip.

And I get it, really I do. It must be hard to love someone whose survival instinct is to be flighty. I didn't make it easy for you. But that was the spark that began a pattern of behaviour and negative thinking, that made you feel like I was a flight risk and made me feel like a caged bird.

I'm sorry we both felt so insecure.

Because all too soon, our relationship wasn't a partnership of two people. It was two halves, trying to become a whole. It wasn't about you and I any more, it was about us. I only cared about making you happy, keeping you smiling, helping you, and making sure you treasure every single day.

I learned to ignore or switch off my emotions if it made it easier for you. I buried them deep within me, determined to be the strong one for you, until from time to time they burst from me in fits of upset, anxiety, fear and frustration over trivial things. That was unfair, and still hurt you anyway.

I put too much pressure on myself. I wanted to bubble wrap you from the world and somehow create a reality where every day was beautiful, and happy, and safe, and unforgettable, and you could just be you. But that wasn't realistic, and I just blamed myself for failing.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you the world.

And I knew you would have given me the world too, in a heartbeat, if only you could. You loved me unconditionally, unashamedly. I'll always be so grateful for that. And you made sure I always knew it. All day, every day, you would tell me how much you loved me. Until, one day, hearing it didn't mean the same any more. Because they were words, and not actions, or feelings, or promises. Those three little words lost their meaning, because they were spoken not out of love, but out of necessity, and dependence, and the requirement to hear them back.

I'm sorry 'I love you' lost its meaning.

The problem was, I hated the person I had become. For a long time I didn't even realise it. It started with anxiety, which spiralled into a depressive episode, and all too soon I couldn't abide who I was. I didn't sleep, I drank too much, and I couldn't stand to look in the mirror. I didn't take care of myself because I didn't care about me. I was all too willing to split myself at the seams and become a shadow of who I once was, if that would fit into the mould of what I thought everyone wanted from me.

But that was never sustainable, and in trying to be someone else, I lost myself. I drove 100mph on country roads to feel something, hoping it would trigger my self-preservation, but instead it just made me realise I didn't mind crashing either, because I don't care about this false version of me.

I'm sorry I no longer loved myself.

It wasn't your fault, you need to know that. That was never on you, and I know it must have made your life even harder too. I guess I didn't feel like I needed to like who I was, because I had allowed you to become my world. You were my best friend, my partner, my therapist and my family, all rolled into one. I felt like I existed to be everything and anything you wanted from me, and outside of you, I vanished.

But I think you know exactly how that felt, because I saw the same in you too. I saw you build yourself into the person you thought I wanted, I watched you struggle against all my barriers and resistance, and I felt your desperation to make things work. You never gave in. And I wanted so badly to give you the answers you wanted to hear. I tried. But in the end, I couldn't.

I'm sorry I couldn't continue to live like that.

I wish I'd had the strength, or the foresight, or the conviction, to do something about it sooner. But I really did try to make it work, for so long. I buried my doubts and my fears and my gut-instinct deep down and tried to drown them out by focusing on anything else.

I told myself that I didn't need to be happy, I would be perfectly fine just being content. I told myself that I didn't need to feel that spark, or attraction, or to have sex. I told myself that my attempts to change things or to fix our issues weren't working because they weren't really issues in the first place. I told myself that relationships were a compromise and that it's normal to lose part of yourself. I told myself that all long-term relationships have challenges and that just because neither of us are happy, doesn't mean we shouldn't be together.

I'm sorry I was wrong.

And it wasn't just for you that I tried. Our friends and family were so invested in us too. They so wanted to see us be that perfect couple we so easily portrayed. They could see how much we loved each other. They knew we made each other happy... But they didn't know we didn't love ourselves, or make ourselves happy. And I guess for a long time, we didn't know that either. We were too focused on each other.

I'm sorry we didn't realise sooner.

The longer we were together, the further from myself I became, and the weaker I was. Until the day came that I couldn't take it any more, I hit rock bottom. And in doing so, I found my feet, and the strength to stand up and do the right thing... To walk away.

Now, I can't bring myself to admit to you, how weak I am. I can't tell you, not because I think you will judge, or criticise, or use it against me. Instead, it's quite the opposite. I know you'll be there for me, you'll try to fix it, you'll help me up. And I don't want you to.

I'm sorry that I need to do this alone.

But that's okay, because you need to find yourself too. And that's the real truth of the matter. No matter how we feel about it, about each other, or about us... We both know without a shadow of doubt that we need to be apart to be happy in ourselves, whatever or however that takes.

Breaking up with you was the hardest thing to do, but at the same time, it felt like I was setting you free. And in turn, I set myself free too. Free from the weight of the burdens we'd placed on ourselves, free from the shackles of trying to carry everyone else's expectations, and free to be our true selves again.

I knew you deserved more than what I was giving you, and staying together was selfish and cowardly. You deserve a love that will set your world on fire. You deserve someone that will make you feel everything I never could. And you deserve to love yourself, the way you loved me. I loved you, I truly did. But it wasn't enough.

I'm sorry I wasn't IN love with you.

Even still, you should know that I miss you, in a hundred different ways. I miss you in the little things I do, like grocery shopping and turning to you to guide the trolley or remind me of what I've forgotten, because we both know I'll crash into something by accident or leave the shopping list at home. Or in the moments I find a fascinating fun fact or interesting insight, and instinctively want to share it with you. I miss you in the nights, half asleep, when I turn over to hold you and you're not there. I miss you in the stupid, goofy moments we acted like children and made ourselves laugh for absolutely no reason. I miss your hand in mine and I miss your embrace, when the world felt too big and too much to handle.

I'm sorry I miss you.

But missing you is strange, because it's like looking back at the best bits of a great sports game. I appreciate the feeling, remember the experience, smile to myself, and allow it to stay firmly in the past. Missing you doesn't change the fact that this is the best thing, for both of us.

I know you're getting to a better place now, and I'm so proud of you for that. You're surrounded by your amazing family and friends and busy with life and with your work and you're good. You've found new hobbies and styles and dreams that you're so excited about. You're full of life and light again. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. It's all I wanted for you, when we were together and now we are apart.

I'm sorry you ever lost that happiness.

The more time passes since we broke up, the more I am sure we did the right thing. Because yesterday, I saw you for the first time since our break up.

I looked at you, and I didn't recognise the person in front of me. I didn't recognise the way you were looking back at me, the way you held yourself, or the cool indifference in your gaze. But as soon as we started talking, I fell straight back into old habits, and I recognised the toxicity of us all too quickly. 

We had pleasant conversation, sure, but I immediately found myself doing anything and saying I could to make you feel better. I tore myself down and made fun of myself, I offered to give you things I actually need, I volunteered to help you with favours I don't have the time or headspace for, and I did anything I could to allow you to feel confident and in control of the situation, because I knew that was what you needed... Even if it hurt and humiliated me in the process. And that's the toxic behaviour and mindset that broke you, and me, and us. That's why we are both better versions of ourselves, now that we are apart. And I know, without a doubt, that it needs to stay that way.

I'm sorry that we can never go back.

So I'm proud that I had the strength to pull apart the life we built together, so that we could build happier ones apart. I'm proud of the different directions we are taking our lives, and the two separate, independent people we have grown to become.

But even still, I feel guilty that I'm moving on and finding my happy without you. I know it will hurt you to hear that I'm dating someone else, and I hate that. It was going to happen one day, but I would rather it be me that bears that pain first, instead of you. I wanted to shield you from it, to hide my happy, to pretend I'm miserable and protect you from all of it. But I'm not the person that does that for you any more. It isn't fair or healthy for either of us.

I'm sorry I won't protect you any more.

It's been a while now, and I feel ready to end this post, to say goodbye to you and put all of this behind me. I can't spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for the mistakes we made, or the hurt I caused you by making the difficult (but right) decision to let things go. I can't be the person that breaks themselves apart to try and fill the pieces you're missing, and I can't waste any more time weighing myself down with the responsibility of you, and us, and all of it.

So it's time to move on, and not look back. I'll never forget the time we shared together, and I don't regret our relationship. I'm sure that a part of me will always love you, in some way. But now it's time for a new chapter of my life, one that's focused on my own personal adventure.

I wish you well, I really do. I hope continue to be the very best version of yourself, and love yourself the way you deserve to be loved. I hope you look back on our time fondly, and recognise that whilst we wanted the best for each other, we couldn't find that whilst together. I hope you move on to have a long, happy, healthy life and that you find everything you were looking for and more. 

Thank you, for everything. You changed my life.

I'm sorry, goodbye.