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A Restless Soul.


I've never been good at staying still.

My mind fidgets and flutters from thought to thought with fleeting fancy.

A momentary fix of attention and dopamine, before I'm searching for something more elsewhere. I wander and roam, bumping against temporary people or places to feel at home, before that sensation fades and I'm off again.

I find something I like; and suddenly I don't like it. I fixate on finding something bigger, or better. I make myself something to eat; I'm not hungry. My need for food has been replaced by another whim. I find a new style or look that feels like me; and all of a sudden I don't recognise the stranger in front of me. I'm exhausted beyond the realms of comprehension; so much so that my body refuses to go on, and yet my mind surges on with steadfast determination in search of a new spark. 

But all too soon, that spark has flickered and died, and I'm back to being lost, a speck of dust in the centre of a tornado of possibility and captivation.

I'm a restless soul.

But being a restless soul is a lonely, isolated life to live.

I could be constantly surrounded by a charismatic cocktail of the most wonderful characters from all walks of life, but I would never feel truly at ease. Because I know deep down, it won't be long before I'm off again, and people don't tend to stay around for long when the journey ahead is an unknown, endless endeavour.

For a whole host of reasons, people don't want to stay. It could be that their own journey takes them in a different direction, or they could be scared I don't care about them, or they don't understand how I could live this way, or they are worried that they aren't as important as the momentary focus of my attention. 

Every now and again someone might try to stick it out for a while, or accompany me on my journey for a brief moment, but it never lasts.

At least, in my 28 years on this earth, that has been my experience of humankind. But I've recently had cause to believe that maybe there are exceptions to this rule.

This revelation came when I wasn't looking for it and least expected it, like all the best revelations do. It came at a time when I resigned myself to embracing my tortured fate, alone.

Maybe there are people out there that will not only tolerate my restlessness, but embrace it.

Maybe there are rare examples of humans that find joy, and meaning, and excitement, in the spontaneity of my soul.

There are individuals on this Earth that actively embrace the random whims that captivate all of my focus and attention, and rather than begrudgingly following along with quiet frustration, they take my hand and lead the way. They tell me it's okay. They share my giddy enthusiasm and seize the moment. They support my random pursuits for adventure and and they take the time to make sure I take care of myself and everything else I leave behind.

And this realisation has caused an interesting shift in perspective.

You see, I had always thought that my restless soul was a burden that guaranteed a lonely existence. I thought that, for as long as I lived, I would never truly feel safe or home. I has resigned myself to the idea that maybe one day I would settle for contentment in a person and a life that I would never be able to maintain, because that's what society expected of me, but before long I would return to the restless pursuit for more.

I thought that my restless soul made me flawed. Damaged. Broken.

But now, I'm gradually waking up to a new reality. I'm opening my eyes to a world where being restless opens up limitless opportunity and excitement and adventure, more than I ever realised was possible. I'm starting to realise that I don't have to hide, or be ashamed, or repress my constant desire to chase the fleeting fancies that dangle themselves before me. And, above all, I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that I don't have to do it alone.

I don't know how long this feeling will last.

Honestly, I could lose myself in the dangerous spiral of ever-evolving worry about where it will lead or how it will work. An older version of me would have done exactly that. But now, what would be the point? Who knows how long any of this will last.

For now, this reality is good. So good, I think I'll stay a while.

Thanks for reading, over and out.

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