The Random Ramblings of Lauren

Can somebody please tell me how to fix this sinking ship? Because I'm exhausted. I've given my all to bailing out these frigid waters, fighting against the relentless surge. I waste every breath, every thought, every effort, to confining an endless tide. I cannot stop. But I'll drown out here, cold and alone, if I don't  pause, find the source and fix this broken vessel. So teach me how to plug the gap before it kills me.

My favourite poet wrote a book appropriately titled All The Words Are Yours. I used to believe it defined love, at its purest. But recently, I’ve come to accept I was wrong. There is never enough words. They don't do you justice. I search and seek the words powerful enough to define and describe my love. But their meaning is meaningless. All the words are yours; and yet, they're not enough. You make language, limited and insignificant. A failure of linguistics that pales in comparison to the magnificence of you. Give me more words. More letters, more vowels, more meaning and more feeling. So that one day I can find a way to say these words are yours, with love…

If you were to walk away, I wouldn’t stop you, or chase you, or try to change your mind. I won’t beg you to stay or make false promises we’ll find a way. If you go that’s on you. there’s nothing I can do. So instead I’ll hold my tongue, fix a smile, and though it hurts, I’ll wish you well. Not because I want you to go, but because I won’t fight for someone who has given up. It’s not pride. It’s preservation. When you leave, you prove how wrong I was to think this time would be different, or that you were worthy of me. And that hurts. But it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as breaking myself into pieces to fit a mould I was never born to belong. So if you  walk away, don’t look back expecting me in your wake. Don’t change your mind and try to stay. You’re gone. I was wrong.  But I’m moving on. Bon voyage.

So, over the past few months or so I've been trying to figure out how to write this post, to talk about the end of my five-year relationship. The intention was to clear my head of this swirling mass of thoughts, and attempt to find some clarity. But, every time I ended up writing, this post got longer and more difficult.  So I put it off, I avoided it, and I stressed about how on earth I would ever manage to translate my thoughts into words.  However, I refused to give in, because part of me believed that once I could get this confusing tangle of emotion out of my head and into words, I would finally be at peace. So, one sentence at a time, as the days and weeks and months stretched on, I managed to string together this rambling mess of thoughts. And in the end, it just turned into an apology. To myself, to those around me, and more than anything, to the girl who all of this began with. So, here goes... Do you ever feel like the longer time passes, the further from yourself yo...

She has the kind of face to write poetry about. To spill words like ink on page after page, searching for a way to describe it. And yet, there are never enough words. Their meaning, feels meaningless. I could travel to the furthest reaches of every continent. Dive to the deepest depths of the seven seas, or soar to dizzying heights above the tallest trees. And yet, the world would feel dull, in comparison to her. Even in a thousand lifetimes, hard as I try, I wouldn't ever find a single sight more beautiful than her face, nor a string of words capable of capturing that beauty. Because nothing has ever or will ever be more beautiful to me, than her.

 I am slowly learning that for a long time, and all too often, I accept (or even embrace) so much less than I deserve because fuck it, could be worse, right? But I cannot measure my expectations of others on the pains of my past, or the possibility of something worse. I deserve more. I did then, and I certainly do now. So I won't be  merciful to toxicity, negativity, or inferiority. Give me what I deserve, or step aside and let someone else. Because I know my worth. And you better believe I won't settle for less.

I lost myself to love, once. And I promised, next time would be different. I found myself after so long, estranged, and I swore I wouldn't lose myself to loving someone else. But then, I met you. And I never expected it, but you showed me... Loving yourself and loving someone else aren't mutually exclusive. Loving me and loving you are one and the same. So I will never lose myself to you. I am myself, because of you.

I never really had a home. A space to be safe, or to call my own. I flitter and fleet from place to place, never still for long enough to settle and stay. So I have never felt the anxious unease, nor the gnawing nostalgia of being homesick. But perhaps a home isn't always a place. Maybe my home is in you. Because the longing for your arms around me, your skin against my fingertips, your intoxicating scent, and the taste of your lips... It sure feels like I'm homesick. So take me home.

They say patience is a virtue. They say good things come to those who wait. But I do not know how much longer I can hold back from the inevitability of you. I have never cared for rush or haste. I live my life at my own steady pace. But why do we insist on waiting for something good  to begin? We are wasting precious time, watching on the side lines, as our defining moment passes us by. Can we just let ourselves go? Stop pressing pause on this epic tale that lies ahead. Because I want you. All of you. And I 'm impatient for us to begin. There is no time like the present and there is no feeling like loving you. So let's jump right in...

I find solace in the water. Be it lake, river, ocean, or sea, there is no place I would rather be. It is the air to my lungs, the beating of my heart, the soothing of my soul. So I live and love and find peace and home in the water. And when all others have left, the water remains by my side ever constant, ever faithful, ever flowing.

 Something buried deep within me is broken. But that doesn't mean I am broken. Somewhere hidden in the labyrinth of my body is a sickness. But that doesn't mean I am sick. Sometimes I hide the fear and pain so others don't see my weakness. But that doesn't mean I am weak.  I will not be defined by the flaws under my surface. I am greater than the sum of my parts. I will mend, and heal, and grow, stronger and more powerful than ever before. Watch this space.

Love is the purest pleasure. It should never be hurtful or selfish. But maybe, in loving you, I was selfish. Because I wanted more... More time. More love. More you. More us. I finally felt the spark, of what could be and I yearned to burn with it. To set the world alight with the wildfire of us. But truly selfless love expects nothing in return. Loving someone else means helping them to love themselves. Even if it means pulling away... Letting the flames flicker and die to embrace the cold and build fires of our own. Because love should never be selfish.

 I wish the world would quit telling us to wait, and hope, and pray, that one day Prince Charming will ride in on his white horse to rescue us. That our saviour will come, sweep us off our feet, and we'll live happily ever after. Stop preaching that we need liberating from our mundane, pitiful existence. That we are only complete in the arms of another. A sickening self-fulfilling prophecy of heroes and damsels.  We don't need to be rescued. I will be my own damn hero. I'll save  myself from this twisted narrative. And I'll love me better than anyone else ever could... Happily ever after.

I have never needed you, or anybody, to make me happy. I am perfectly capable and complete, all on my own. I am the architect of my contentment, and I've worked long and hard to build this sanctuary of solace. But the salient fact is... You take everything I've built, and you make it even greater. You make my happy, even happier. You are the final flourish of colour on the masterpiece of me. All things, are better with you. Always.

Every day I convince myself of all the ways I am weak... Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Socially. Spiritually. But  I am so much stronger than I realise. I have a voice, a power, a mind, a heart, a belief, and a bravery, that will not be conquered, nor forgotten. I brave battles and wage wars to prove to myself, and the world, every single day that I am more. There is a supernova within me that burns so hot, and so bright, and so powerful, it is blinding. When others  simply watch as I collapse they don't notice how I also set the universe alight. I am not weak. I am simply a different kind of star. A supernova.

TW: Self Harm! There's a razorblade on my bed. I don't know when or how it got there. I might have brought it in from the bathroom accidentally, or maybe it fell out of my travel bag, or I've forgotten to put it away when I was sorting out other things. Maybe, subconsciously, a small part of me knew I had left it out. But either way, it's there, and for the first time in a long time, it's staring at me like a dear, old, forgotten friend. The truth is, for a long time now I haven't had to worry about razorblades. For so many years their presence in my everyday life is as commonplace and arbitrary as my hairbrush, or coffee mug, so that I haven't paid a second thought to having them around. I have derma blades in my cosmetics bag, shaving razors and cartridges in the bathroom, razor knives around my creative workspace, heavy duty blades in my DIY toolbox, a pocket knife in my bag. Sharp objects, all around me, all of the time. Yet, there was a time when that w...

Hi folks! So I wanted to reach out today, mostly just to apologise for my hiatus... You see, I set myself a mission of writing and publishing something every day. And for a while that was going so well. I felt inspired, and motivated, and excited about each new post. I was writing about parts of me I hadn't shared before, trying new writing styles, talking about some pretty emotional subjects, an feeling empowered by my own voice. I watched the page views grow, and I was so excited that you all were reading my work! Then, somewhat unexpectedly, life got a little busy, and my physical and mental health suffered with trying to keep up with everything, and writing quickly fell to the wayside. And, just like everything, once you get out of the habit of something, it's an uphill battle to get back to where you were before. After that, each time I sat down to write, the words just didn't seem to flow. I was frustratingly writing, editing, deleting, rewriting, rearranging, restart...

I'm flighty. Sometimes I want nothing more than to run far from this place and seek another. Leave everything and everyone behind, to lose myself in places not yet tainted by this harsh, unforgiving, unrelenting reality. Give me wings, let me soar to pursue the temptress of something more. Because I'm flighty.

There exists an unspoken language between you and I. It is silent, yet deafening. A communication exchanged with the simplest gesture of a shared gaze. A single stare so expressive the whole world fades away, until your eyes are all I see. It speaks of so many things we cannot find words to say, or do justice. But we know, without ever having to speak, precisely what it means. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I'm yours. I understand. I feel the same. I've got you. I'm here. It says everything at once, and at the same time, nothing at all. A secret language, unbeknownst to the world, that gives voice to the depths of our shared love... Through unspoken words. Thanks for reading, over and out.

I may  view the world though rose-tinted lenses. I may find the good in every one I meet. I may give too many chances, and stay when others would leave. But please... Don't exploit my kindness as weakness, nor my trustworthiness as foolishness. Don't make me a pawn in your lies and deception. Don't follow in the footsteps of every man I've known before. Be better. Show me it's okay to believe there is good in everyone. Because I'm starting to doubt myself. Thanks for reading, over and out.

I'm the type of person who enjoys asking deep and insightful questions. I like to understand how people think, how their brains work, what their priorities are and why. I use hypothetical scenarios to get to know people and find out what sort of person they are, and, in part, this helps me to identify whether or not we are likely to be compatible - in any sense of the word. However, recently I've been pondering a challenging question. It's one that intrudes my thoughts and monopolizes my brain, whether I'm awake or asleep, working or relaxing. I can't escape it, as much as I try. But this question fills me with dread. Each time it invades my brain, a freezing tidal wave crashes over my body, and I'm cold and numb and battered once more. I lose grip of reality, like shifting sand under my feet, and sink into the murky depths of my mind. And this is happening far too often, to the extent that it's taking over. So, instead of trying to dismiss it or avoid it, I...

I know this road. I have cut my feet, blistered and bled, on this dangerous terrain too many times before. I know the games you play, the lies you tell, the secrets you hide, I know them all too well. I do not blame you. I never have. But I fear you. I fear the absence of the person I love, and the return of the monster you become. I have spent far too long silent, hiding, cowering from this you. I have picked you up and put you back together, kept your secrets and concealed your sins, calmed your anger and accepted your blame, more times than you even know. I know this road, I know its pain, and I will not follow this path again. So if you choose to pursue this journey, you do so alone. Because I cannot carry us both.

Tonight, for whatever reason, I found myself pondering what the hell I was doing... In life, in love, in my job, my personal aspirations, my family and my friends. I wasn't necessarily worrying, or spiralling, or caught up in a depressive mentality. Alas, I was simply contemplating where I was right now, and what was next for me. Whether I was on the right path, where it would lead, and when I would get there. I was too focused on my feet, on where my journey was taking me, that I temporarily forgot. I forgot to enjoy exactly where I was right now, no matter where I was going or where I had been. But thankfully, life sent me a little reminder. As I passed the upstairs window, consumed by my own thoughts, I was met by the most beautiful sunset I had seen in a long time. The sky was on fire, and it sparked a fire in me. Instantly, I knew that I wanted to seize this moment. Without a second thought, I grabbed my keys and jumped into the car. And so began my journey to chase the sunset...

All I know, without doubt  or question, is that the very best version of me, so far, is right here, right now. Blue hair, an awkward smile, stupid jokes, and terrible timing. Always found with a book, a coffee, a pack of cards, in hand. Determined, intrepid, passionate and open. Finally ready for the world that's been waiting for me. I am not perfect. But I'm just getting started. And this is the beginning of becoming the me I always dreamed I would be. So bring on the adventure.