When It's Time to Apologise...

There are many, many reasons why people apologise.

Sometimes people apologise to clear their conscience, or to admit guilt. Sometimes people apologise to settle an argument, or to shut someone up. Sometimes people apologise in order to appear remorseful or to demonstrate a change of heart. Sometimes people apologise because it's easier than dealing with the issue, or because they know others won't. And sometimes, people apologise simply because they've been an ass.

The problem with apologies is that the longer you leave them, the harder they become. Whether it be friends, family, partners or strangers - failing to deal with the problem and admit responsibility can be toxic. Feelings of guilt or resentment fester like open wounds, growing infected in your ignorance, turning putrid and black the more you try to ignore or dismiss them.

Eventually, you can find yourself in a position where you have left it so long that it would be easier to simply remove the limb, than it would be to bite the bullet and get to the source of the problem. Eventually, you allow your not your wrongdoings, but the failure to admit to and rectify those wrongdoings, to poison your relationships. 

Because the thing is, we are human. We make more mistakes than we care to admit. We get things wrong, we mess up, we let people down and we let ourselves down. It's frustrating and disappointing, but trying to be perfect is even more so. Making mistakes is in our nature. What's more admirable and more challenging, is admitting to those mistakes and learning from them.

Many people struggle with apologies, and I don't blame them. It's difficult to admit that you were in the wrong, that you disappointed both yourself and others around you, and that you failed to live up to the standards expected of you. Some people struggle to be sincere and heartfelt without pandering, or alternatively sounding false and sullen. Some people struggle to swallow their pride and place themselves at the mercy of one they have wronged. Some people simply do not believe in apologising. And some people allow their mistakes to grow and torment their mind, casting doubt and insecurity until an apology is too little, too late.

I'm ashamed to admit I have been guilty of all of these sorry mistakes. 

And that, dear readers, is me.

I have one almighty apology to make, for being one almighty ass, and for being too proud to bite the bullet for a long time.

Trust me when I tell you that this apology is not spontaneous or spur-of-the-moment, it's not something I have just remembered and thought "oh yeah, oops, best apologise!". This is something that has tugged and pulled in the back of my mind on a literal daily basis for a year now. That's a lot of guilt and anxiety to carry around, when there is a simple solution if only you are brave enough to take it.

So I'm going to be brave.

I'm going to apologise, admit my mistakes, and accept my fate. Forgiveness or not.

Because at least then I can stop carrying around the weight of regret, and know that I did the right thing.

Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading, over and out.