Fighting Demons.

I am a fighter.

Every day, I fight little battles.

Battles against prejudice, battles against ignorance, battles against pressures, battles against judgement, battles against habits, battles against other people. But mostly, I fight battles against myself.

And those, my friends, are the biggest battles of all. Because you see, can never win a battle against yourself. No matter what the outcome, a part of you will always feel disappointed. Even if you fight to do what you think is right, it might not be what you want. Or you fight for what you want, even if you know it's not exactly right. In other words, a part of you will always lose.

And here lies my problem...

I hate to lose. I fight against myself, and yet I know whatever the outcome I won't be completely happy. Because I am a fighter. And I fight to win. But how can you win a battle against yourself? In the battle between what you want and what you need, how can you ever come out on top? How can you win, when you know at the same time you're always going to be disappointed?

And the battle gets worse. Because I have a confession.

I need to admit something I never thought I would have the bravery to do. But there is a reason behind my decision to do so now...

This whole post was triggered through an experience with someone. I recently witnessed how destroying it is to keep things like this to yourself. I experienced it when I met a girl who was amazing and kind and had an irresistible aura of simple goodness and innocence to her. But inside, her mind has been polluted with the darkness of self-loathing and vulnerability. She was consumed by the idea of her own evil and worthlessness, blind to anything but the demons in her brain, ignorant to the concept of happiness. And it was heartbreaking to see someone with such a kind heart, such potential in them, who let it waste away because of the problems they had locked away in their own head.

Alas, the more I tried to help her, the more I realised that she wasn't the only one. So many of us fall prey to the negativity in our minds, despite reality being a lot more positive. Mental health is an issue that is considered such a taboo in our society, and that's such a shame. Just because we can't physically see the issue, we dismiss it as not being a legitimate problem. Conditions like stress, anxiety, OCD, depression, bi-polar, autism, etc, are all treated with such a discriminatory attitude and quite honestly it's disgraceful. As a society, we are actually fuelling the growth of such problems by hushing them up and pretending like they're not really there. By treating anyone with the confidence to admit their struggles, as some sort of leper that needs quarantining.

And so, I have decided to do something I never thought I would. I decided to talk about my own demons inside my head, with the hopes that by telling someone, anyone, maybe I won't fight them alone. Maybe I can encourage other people to realise that we are all flawed in some way or another, but that should never stop us from achieving happiness.

So the truth is, I'm kind of crazy.
I struggle with coping with the harsh, battering reality of life. I have big problems with panic and anxiety, which causes me to be a nervous wreck over the slightest thing. It means I don't trust people easily. Worst of all, it means I struggle to let people get close to me for fear of it breaking me apart.

And when things get really tough, I deal with it in the wrong way. I run away and cause myself more pain, more trouble. I distance myself by travelling, by leaving my problems behind and escaping to another place. Because part of me thought if I can make myself miserable, make myself hurt, cut myself off from anyone who cares, then I justify and satisfy those demons.

But that was only a short-term fix. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how far you run or how much pain you cause, it doesn't matter how hard you try to drown out that doubt and negativity, or push yourself away from a chance of happiness.. Your demons can't be ignored. They survive through pain, they follow you wherever you go, they torment you with their presence. And so, at some point, you have to learn to turn and face those shadows that darken your life.

These are my demons. These are the demons I fight every day. And this is the battle I will continue to fight. Because everybody has demons, everybody struggles with something. We are human. But we fight for the right to our sanity. And it's a fight I refuse to lose, a fight I refuse to be ashamed of.

And neither should you.

I'm sorry that this post isn't exactly cheery.

To be frank I thought long and hard about whether I had the confidence to even publish it. But at the end of the day, if I can help just one person to realise they aren't alone, then it was worth it..

Until next time, keep fighting.

Thanks for reading, over and out.