The Random Ramblings of Lauren

Hi folks! So I wanted to reach out today, mostly just to apologise for my hiatus... You see, I set myself a mission of writing and publishing something every day. And for a while that was going so well. I felt inspired, and motivated, and excited about each new post. I was writing about parts of me I hadn't shared before, trying new writing styles, talking about some pretty emotional subjects, an feeling empowered by my own voice. I watched the page views grow, and I was so excited that you all were reading my work! Then, somewhat unexpectedly, life got a little busy, and my physical and mental health suffered with trying to keep up with everything, and writing quickly fell to the wayside. And, just like everything, once you get out of the habit of something, it's an uphill battle to get back to where you were before. After that, each time I sat down to write, the words just didn't seem to flow. I was frustratingly writing, editing, deleting, rewriting, rearranging, restart...

I'm flighty. Sometimes I want nothing more than to run far from this place and seek another. Leave everything and everyone behind, to lose myself in places not yet tainted by this harsh, unforgiving, unrelenting reality. Give me wings, let me soar to pursue the temptress of something more. Because I'm flighty.

There exists an unspoken language between you and I. It is silent, yet deafening. A communication exchanged with the simplest gesture of a shared gaze. A single stare so expressive the whole world fades away, until your eyes are all I see. It speaks of so many things we cannot find words to say, or do justice. But we know, without ever having to speak, precisely what it means. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I'm yours. I understand. I feel the same. I've got you. I'm here. It says everything at once, and at the same time, nothing at all. A secret language, unbeknownst to the world, that gives voice to the depths of our shared love... Through unspoken words. Thanks for reading, over and out.

I may  view the world though rose-tinted lenses. I may find the good in every one I meet. I may give too many chances, and stay when others would leave. But please... Don't exploit my kindness as weakness, nor my trustworthiness as foolishness. Don't make me a pawn in your lies and deception. Don't follow in the footsteps of every man I've known before. Be better. Show me it's okay to believe there is good in everyone. Because I'm starting to doubt myself. Thanks for reading, over and out.

I'm the type of person who enjoys asking deep and insightful questions. I like to understand how people think, how their brains work, what their priorities are and why. I use hypothetical scenarios to get to know people and find out what sort of person they are, and, in part, this helps me to identify whether or not we are likely to be compatible - in any sense of the word. However, recently I've been pondering a challenging question. It's one that intrudes my thoughts and monopolizes my brain, whether I'm awake or asleep, working or relaxing. I can't escape it, as much as I try. But this question fills me with dread. Each time it invades my brain, a freezing tidal wave crashes over my body, and I'm cold and numb and battered once more. I lose grip of reality, like shifting sand under my feet, and sink into the murky depths of my mind. And this is happening far too often, to the extent that it's taking over. So, instead of trying to dismiss it or avoid it, I...

I know this road. I have cut my feet, blistered and bled, on this dangerous terrain too many times before. I know the games you play, the lies you tell, the secrets you hide, I know them all too well. I do not blame you. I never have. But I fear you. I fear the absence of the person I love, and the return of the monster you become. I have spent far too long silent, hiding, cowering from this you. I have picked you up and put you back together, kept your secrets and concealed your sins, calmed your anger and accepted your blame, more times than you even know. I know this road, I know its pain, and I will not follow this path again. So if you choose to pursue this journey, you do so alone. Because I cannot carry us both.

Tonight, for whatever reason, I found myself pondering what the hell I was doing... In life, in love, in my job, my personal aspirations, my family and my friends. I wasn't necessarily worrying, or spiralling, or caught up in a depressive mentality. Alas, I was simply contemplating where I was right now, and what was next for me. Whether I was on the right path, where it would lead, and when I would get there. I was too focused on my feet, on where my journey was taking me, that I temporarily forgot. I forgot to enjoy exactly where I was right now, no matter where I was going or where I had been. But thankfully, life sent me a little reminder. As I passed the upstairs window, consumed by my own thoughts, I was met by the most beautiful sunset I had seen in a long time. The sky was on fire, and it sparked a fire in me. Instantly, I knew that I wanted to seize this moment. Without a second thought, I grabbed my keys and jumped into the car. And so began my journey to chase the sunset...

All I know, without doubt  or question, is that the very best version of me, so far, is right here, right now. Blue hair, an awkward smile, stupid jokes, and terrible timing. Always found with a book, a coffee, a pack of cards, in hand. Determined, intrepid, passionate and open. Finally ready for the world that's been waiting for me. I am not perfect. But I'm just getting started. And this is the beginning of becoming the me I always dreamed I would be. So bring on the adventure.

I have never been the type for jealousy. The green eyed monster is not a foe I have battled before. Maybe because I'm too self-assured, unthreatened, maybe I'm too distracted or I just don't care enough. But for you,  I am jealous. I'm jealous of the sun that lights up your face, of the bedsheets that caress your skin, of the morning coffee that dances on your tongue, and of the friends your heart welcomed in. I'm jealous of the clothes that cling to your body, of the steering wheel in your tightened grip, of the cigarette between your teeth, and of the strangers that bring a smile to your lips. I am not a jealous person. Yet, you awaken an emerald inferno in me, that I never knew existed, and I will never extinguish.

Forrest Gump once said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  He meant that life is unpredictable and filled with surprises. And he might have been right. But for me, life is like pizza. In so many different ways. Firstly, no matter what, all pizza is amazing. Even bad pizza is still going to be good. And no two pizzas are ever the same. They’re completely unique, in every way. But just how good that pizza is, depends on lots of different things… The quality of the ingredients you begin with. The care and attention in which it is made. And the toppings you decide to add along the way. How long you place it in the heat. Personal preferences and individuality. Your hunger and mindset when you’re tasting it. And, arguably most important of all: The people you choose to share it with. Because pizza is made to be shared. But even after all that… Truly great pizza comes down to more than just how it is made, or enjoyed. It's about luck, and opportunit...

I feel seasick. The endless to-ing and fro-ing  of this fragile vessel in the tumultuous waves of you is turning my stomach in knots. I am a derelict dinghy powerless in an unpredictable ocean. I do not know how to navigate these waters. Lost in stormy seas I cannot sail, searching for hope on the horizon. Who knows when calm waters will come, or how long they will last. But before long, once again, I'll be floored by the force of your love. Then all too soon it'll be torn away. Nobody taught me the rip hurts just as much as the crash. If this is our fate, let me drown. Spare me the suffering of fighting to sail when I was always destined to sink. Because I feel seasick.

Every once in a while, we are faced with moments that flip our entire world on its axis. Tiny, unforgettable fragments on the timeline of our existence, that promise to alter our very existence at its core. And all at once, everything you thought you knew, every scrap of stability and direction and ideology you possessed, is cast into darkness and doubt. For you see, you are no longer the version of you that you once were. In that moment you are thrown into a whole different environment, where everything you once knew crumbles into disregard. Like a child, you find yourself lost in a cornucopia of confusion, forced to learn all you once knew from scratch, in a world that feels entirely alien. Colours, sights, sounds, tastes and smells - they all feel brand new again as they adapt and adjust to this evolved version of you. All the things you used to believe, the ideas and opinions you used to know, and even the values you held dear, they're shaken to disreput...

Wake me in the morning with the scent of fresh coffee, and the taste of your lips against mine. Pull me in, hold me close, until your body feels like home. Let your face, framed with a smile, be the first thing my blurry eyes find as they open to the new day. Start my morning with whispered ' I love you's and I will promise that today will be my new favourite day.

I kiss you and taste the ocean on your lips, the sun on your cheeks, the wind in your hair, the fire in your soul. I taste the passion of every "I love you" and the desire of your fingers against my skin. I taste the places we have been, and the places we have yet to go. I taste the world in a single kiss and know, with perfect clarity, that within you lies every adventure I could ever dream of, and every place I will ever call home.